Lets Talk About Sex

I love watching movies with my mom, even ones with sex scenes. Now I must tell you my mom is a bit ol’ school, although she thinks she is extremely hip, so there is always an eerie silence that peppers the air when the characters on screen get hot and heavy. As the erotic and sensual intensify, I inevitably ask my mom, “Ma, what are they doing?” And she always replies with some type of diverted joke claiming to not know or that she was hoping I would tell her. I do this because, as I frequently remind her, she and my father NEVER had “the sex talk” with me. I have been on this earth forty-five years, and never once did my now elderly Black parents take the time to tell me what sex is, where babies come from, or what my body is capable of. Nevertheless, that I could have or deserved pleasure, nor that intimacy is a vital part of connection in the human condition. 

At this point it's a running joke in my household, but each time it is also an indictment on my upbringing.  Like many GenXers, I was forced to gain my knowledge from books I shouldn't have read, videos I shouldn't have seen, and people that had no more of a clue than I did. The reality is in many Black households of a particular age group, sex has always been a taboo subject often only broached by really cool aunties or brutally honest older cousins. I know many of us have been forced to get the birds & bees in a hodgepodge of interesting sources as we grew up. 

And what doesn't make sense, even now in an era marked by rapid social change and increased awareness of mental health, one topic that still remains notably under-discussed is sex. Despite being a fundamental aspect of human experience, sex is often shrouded in embarrassment, misinformation, and stigma. It’s like we want kids to learn from secret porn on their phones or their equally ignorant classmates who also have no damn clue what the hell they are talking about. Normalizing conversations about sex is crucial for fostering healthy relationships, improving individual well-being, and promoting a more informed society. It is also essential to helping foster good self-care and body positivity. 

Essentially, the more you know about how your body works and what your body desires, the more informed you are about how to navigate intimate connections, even with yourself. Talking about topics typically considered off limits removes the ability for misinformation, misinterpretation, and lack of knowledge to keep us bodily siloed in our own monolithic sphere of understanding..

Historically, sex has been a taboo subject in many cultures, often relegated to hushed conversations or avoided altogether. This modesty can lead to unspoken confusion and perpetuate harmful myths and stereotypes. When we normalize talking about sex, we challenge these taboos and create an environment where individuals can seek accurate information and guidance without fear of judgment. 

This is part of the reason I do what I do. Being a sex doula is less about how I can help you have sex than it is about how I can work with you to release your barriers to pleasure and to a healthy sex life. Far too often some of those barriers stem from inadequate knowledge of the working of our own bodies and what pleasure you truly deserve. I do this work so that others do not live in their heads perpetuating unsatisfying cycles that lead to failed relationships, a continued lack of knowing, and dissociation within one’s own body. My work is to help you get out of your head and into your body, sometimes for the first time. 

I want to share some of the benefits to normalizing sex talk and to working with a trained professional like me who can help you find your own place of intimacy liberation. 

Benefit One: Truth Revealed! 

Open discussions about sex are essential for helping us not live in the myths, stereotypes, and miseducation that many have internalized as truth. The internet, where, if we are honest, most of our research takes place, is a double-edged sword when it comes to sex education. While it offers a wealth of information, it also perpetuates misinformation. Normalizing conversations about sex within families, schools, and communities ensures that accurate and reliable information is shared. This helps counteract the often misleading or harmful content that can be found online. We need to talk about what is considered taboo so that we take the stigma out of the unknown. That's how we get youth and adults away from such untruths and mysteries, such as what a G-spot truly is. Communication about sexual desires, boundaries, and consent is crucial for mutual understanding and respect between partners. When sex is openly discussed, it encourages partners to express their needs and concerns, which can enhance intimacy and prevent misunderstandings.

Benefit Two: Better Health!

Sexual health is intricately linked to mental health. For many, feelings of shame or anxiety around sex can stem from a lack of open dialogue. Normalizing sex talk helps to reduce stigma and can alleviate the stress associated with sexual agility, body image, and self-esteem issues.  The anxiety many feel around performance standards, body dysmorphia, and self-esteem can lead to diminished capacity in one’s personal and professional life. When people feel comfortable discussing their sexual concerns, they are more likely to seek help and support. Talking about what is healthy and harmful in intimate connection assures a better understanding of how our bodies work and what it takes to increase our own capacity to love ourselves. Oh, and if you don't have one already, get you a damn therapist! 

Benefit Three: Education is Empowerment!

Sex education extends beyond the basics of biology; it encompasses understanding sexual health, emotional well-being, and respectful interactions. Normalizing sex talk ensures that individuals have access to comprehensive education that covers topics like contraception, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and consent. Open discussions about sex also promotes inclusivity and respect for diverse experiences. The more we know, the less we are likely to stigmatize those who experience attraction and pleasure differently from our own ways. By normalizing these conversations, we validate the experiences of all individuals, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity, and support a more accepting society. Overall sexual education empowers people to make informed decisions about their sexual health and show up more aware in relationships.

Benefit Four: Your Pleasure will Thank You!

You deserve pleasure. Portions of your body were simply created for it. Candid conversation around the basic human desire for intimacy, sex, and pleasure are a part of the autonomy of every consenting person. I often have clients who have never allowed themselves to fully embody total access to pleasure within their own bodies. How tragic it would be to get to the end of life without ever having known what you are truly capable of. Talking about pleasure helps to remind us all that embodiment of pleasure is a basic need and a fundamental right. And if that ain't enough, as an ordained minister, I declare orgasmic climax is holy no matter who your God is. 

Benefit Five: Creating a Culture of Consent & Liberation! 

Consent is a fundamental aspect of any sexual encounter, and it is crucial to emphasize its importance from an early age. Normalizing discussions about sex helps to reinforce the concept of consent, ensuring that individuals understand the necessity of mutual agreement and respect in all sexual activities. This form of regard for one another can then extend beyond the confines of intimate encounter into how we treat people we are not intimate with. Consent can be a tool of liberation because it is a conduit for how I get to experience you while still protecting me. People often think that liberation and consent are natural enemies; however, I strongly disagree. Consent is sexy. Consent is familiar. Consent is crucial. Once the boundaries of what is on the menu and what is reserved are established, the liberation to move and connect more deeply is clear. As one of my mentors, Prentiss Hempfill, often reminds us, boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. There is liberating pleasure in creating a culture that ensures safety and consent as a critical component to being in community with others. 

Normalizing conversations about sex is not about forcing discussions or making people uncomfortable; rather, it's about creating a culture where talking about sex is as natural as discussing any other aspect of life. It involves addressing misconceptions, embracing diversity, and promoting open, respectful dialogue.

By fostering an environment where sex is openly discussed, we can build healthier relationships, improve individual well-being, and create a more informed and accepting society. So let’s start the conversation—because when it comes to sex, silence isn’t always golden; sometimes, it’s just a barrier to understanding and connection. Now let me help you break free….liberation awaits! 

NOTE: This is in no way a list of all the benefits to talking freely about sex and intimacy. However, this is enough to titillate you to book a session with me so we can delve deeper. That is, IF you truly want more.